So far, it's been a joy to be pregnant. As a brief baby update, he (yes, he!) is doing very well and seems to still be a quite active and squirmy young one.
But what I'd really like to blog about today is one of the things that is not a joy about being pregnant, and that is when people knowingly or unknowingly breach the bounds of what I'll call pregnancy etiquette. So let this be a helpful guide for things not to do or say to people who are pregnant. For the record, I don't believe any of the people I know read this blog have committed any of these offenses, so don't be concerned that this is a veiled attempt to tell you anything!
I invite any of my pregnant or have-been-pregnant friends to contribute other ideas in the comments.
We'll start with a classic...
Uninvited tummy-touching. Now, I admit, there is a bit of gray area here. Not all tummy-touching is unwelcome, even if it is uninvited. For example, Emily is a tummy-toucher, but that doesn't bother me in the slightest becuase she is a close friend, and that's just who she is. But if you don't know someone that well, I'd recommend asking first.
Calling her fat. Why, oh why, would this be OK? But I really did have someone tell me "you're getting fat!" I think this was meant in the way of "you are starting to show," but still not appropriate under any circumstances. Think about it. A pregnant woman has like 25-30 pounds of weight gain in front of her that she really has no control over. And she gets weighed by a doctor once and month, and said weight is going to be commented on whether it's too much, not enough or just right. And everyone she walks up to who knows she's pregnant looks at her face and then her stomach (not necessarily in that order). And she needs people calling her fat? Other people are perhaps less sensitive than me, but in my world this also goes for "wow, you're really starting to show," "You're getting really big," or "You're huge!" (which hasn't been said to me yet but I've heard it said to others. I'm sure my time will come.)
Asking her if her pregnancy was planned. Yes, really. This has happened to me several times, the lastest being today and prompting this rant about pregnancy etiquette. I can't believe anyone would think it appropriate to ask this. I think I'd be slightly taken aback if even a close friend asked me that, but so far none of the people who have asked me (that I can recall) have been on a friendship level that would allow for that sort of question. Craig and I did plan our pregnancy and this question offends me, so I can only imagine if the pregnancy was not planned, you were a bit upset about it and you were trying to put your best face forward, and some yahoo has to come right out and ask you. So don't do it.
I believe this may become a series of blog posts as the pregnancy progresses, but we'll see! And just so it doesn't sound like I'm down on being pregnant (which I have loved so far), here are some of the joys of pregnancy:
seeing/hearing/feeling the baby move
anticipation of meeting the little one
an even more meaningful reason to eat right and exercise
an excitement added to each and every day
anticipation of change
the increased bond between you and your husband
sharing baby news and seeing your friends' excitement
wearing elastic waistbands and still being hip
and many others!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
this is great. there are about 1000 books out there for pregnant women--perhaps this is the book/pamphlet you can write! :)
i always find the 'was it planned?' question a bit odd too...
I'm glad my tummy touching isn't offensive to you. I can't help it...it's my love language. :) However, just so everyone knows, I do not go up to random pregnant woman and touch their bellies, just the ones I know and love.
I have to underscore the "You're huge" comment. I've been on the receiving end of this one, and it wasn't pretty. The woman in question said it repeatedly and with such emphasis, I was almost inclined to get violent. It is never a compliment, even when you are nine months along. I just want to hear the usual stuff about glowing, and maybe a comment about stylish pregnancy attire. "You look so pregnant already" is even a dicey one for me here during number two.
Another etiquette powder keg is comments about your career decisions after the baby arrives. Now, the openminded and interested inquirer is no problem. But I've heard plenty of comments tinged with judgement one way or another, from "I would just think you would miss your baby if you weren't able to be there for him every day" to "You were always so ambitious; I never thought you'd be the kind of person to get off the major career treadmill." The post-baby career decision can be a very difficult one, and you are never really sure you've made the "right" call. So even subtle messages can be pretty damaging to the new-mom psyche. Boy, I didn't realize how much that actually bugged me!
Number three alternatively cracked me up and drove me nuts. Ethan was five days late, and I can't tell you how many times I heard "So, is the baby here yet?" Did I suddenly become invisible? The baby is STILL RIGHT THERE in the belly. Maybe people were just sick of asking me how I felt! :)
Fun topic and great points Nicola!
Carrie
Carrie, I'm glad I'm not the only one bothered by "You're looking pregnant." Isnt' that just tantamount to "you're looking fat"?I've been getting that the last couple of days, and if I'm feeling in a good mood, I usually just say, "yep!" And if I'm not, it's usually more like, "well, that's what we expected would happen, isn't it?" By the way, if anyone makes comments about your career choices, I hope you are reminding them that you are founder/president/CEO/chariman of the board of Open Book and in your spare time you are creator/fashion director/production manager of Emily Anne Jewelry!
Loving the pregnancy etiquette! Good to know!
Thanks for the info and advice. I have heard all sorts of horror stories, unwanted advice, comments like my boobs are huge, I am going to waddle like a fat man, your starting to show, you shouldn't eat that, you don't eat enough and your starving the baby, etc. Mother-in-law is upset I don't want her there for the delivery and DH thinks I am leaving his family out. They seem to forget their manners and forget it is my body, not theirs. Perhaps they will learn.
Christy in Colorado
Post a Comment